I never planned for this

How is it possible to be accountable for everything that happens to you, when looking back, most of the meetings and the opportunities, that at the moment didn’t feel like opportunities, all feels like they happened to you?

Which in turn gives a feeling of no control that brings out such frustration and motivation to seek even more control, and in the end, putting you in a feeling of even less control. Feeling hopeless.

What if it never was up to hope? That hope is just a vague statement of something you would like to have in your life? A thing, a person, a job or something else, you at the moment have no perception, either visually or mentally, how you can make a reality.

Sometimes I imagine a secret planner within me. I don’t know where she would live, maybe the obvious place to look would be the heart or maybe my mind? I imagine if I was a secret planner within a body, I would hide, where the person controlling the body wouldn’t find me. Why? Because I would have the most important job, next to keeping this body alive.

Maybe your secret planner lives in the corner of your ear or at the tip of your tailbone, where you wouldn’t notice her. The job is a maintenance job, actually, so close to tailbone wouldn’t be far off from the truth. She maintains all your truest dreams, and you treat them all like crap. You find it more important to maintain who you are.

We have this fear of being a fake and that being a fake means being untrue to the people around you. Being true to the person you have presented yourself all along your relationships with them. Now that is a draining job! What about your dreams? What about what makes you happy?

You know you are allowed to be happy all the time?

Your dreams might not be the ones you started off with in this life or devoted yourself to as a teenager or young adult, but these dreams have evolved and aligned themselves with the persistency of what has made you happy over the years. Your secret planner have been collecting little and big happinesses, here and there, without you knowing. Noticing what aligns with your inner drive, the momentum within.

Me, I have now come to listen to her. I still don’t know where she lives, my secret planner, I respect her privacy too much, based on her immaculate track record. I never planned to be this happy. I wouldn’t know where to begin to fathom the details of how I got here, but I will tell you this: at one point, I made a decision.

A devotion to myself and my happiness within. Not an outwards-screaming-with-joy-kind of happiness. More a bubbly within me, almost-all-the-time – happy, for no apparent reason. A joy of, and for, living.

What I can tell you is this joy came after a this persistent work as it were, to change my less motivated language, change my fear of commitment and change my running away, – from me. To change into being the one that enveloped my attention to what gives me joy, and do more of that.

Now, that, that I can plan for.

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