Why being kind can drown who you are

Sometimes you need to take a page out of your own teachings and acknowledge what will create more in the long run. I am now doing that with all the people I meet. Like the one I met today.

If you are anything like me, you have met this guy. So, I am sitting at my local coffee shop, writing as I do, when I looked up for a minute to take a sip of my cappuccino. Well hello there, he said, as he caught my eyes. Oh, no, not him again. Yes, you guessed it, I am a weirdo-magnet. Those people who talk to themselves, the people who tell you they are prosecuted by something or another, they find me. As he found me, a couple of months ago. He even had a letter that he wanted me to read. Even though I said I don’t have much time to talk to him, he insisted it was only one page, so it wouldn’t take up much of my time. In the end I told him that I need to get back to my work, so he accepted it, and left.

This time I was in a fuck off mood, but he did not see the writing on my forehead. He walked towards me with his “I am taking on the world” conviction and another story to tell. This time, I was not having it. I didn’t want to listen to his life story, again. Although this time he started with a continuous of the previous story, but now I just gently took out one of my earplugs to tell him: “I don’t have the time to talk to you now.” Gave him a toothless smile, and put my earplugs back in again. He nodded surprised and went on his way.

Of course I had the time, and if I had the slightest inkling that he would be an interesting person to talk to, I would easily use ten minutes talking to him, but most likely, I will not find interesting people like that at the moment, unless they are really old. They have some stories and surprisingly some attitudes in them, that fascinate me.

Time-wise I have become so tired of spending time on people who are not giving me anything in return. I come into this twilight of not being known enough to be left alone, but flashing loudly coming on peoples radar that this is a person that can change lives.

So, the interesting people are lost on me, with the wall I have put up around me. I need it to be there, just for little while longer. Just until I have mastered how to swim again so I, can find my footing with people again.

I love creating change. It is so easy for me to inspire change in others, that I do it on autopilot. However, I have come to a point where I would like to create so much more in my own life, that I have started to say NO to other people. Also, there’s this other thing.

It is easy to loose trust in others when you feel like you are being kind and they are not giving you anything in return. They might think so, but it is not doing anything for you. You are left with a feeling of emptiness.

My technique for the moment to get my momentum going behind this wall of mine, is to just write it out, so this is what I am doing now. Sharing my thoughts with the masses, instead of the one person, who is surfing the freebie wave right next to me.

I am turning off my autopilot and letting this new version of me explore like I love to explore new worlds within, finding my way in how I would like to interact with people, and removing pieces of my wall, one day at a time.

 

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