What happens when you declare a choice? Can there be collateral damage to other parts of you that you never considered? Do you have this one thing that repeats in your life, that you just won’t let go of, which is an invitation to reminiscing days of greatness in your life? Yes, I have it too, and for me it is dance, and now I am letting it go.
The persuasion of a song
And there it happened again. I have been working on my organisational skills with my business today. Tidying up and rearranging files on my computer whilst listening to music on my earphones, and there it was. The song that was an invitation to so many things. The song which once I heard it the first time, when I really needed to scream a song, and at the same time, spoke to me.
It is a song which is emotionally significant to me and when I hear it, I soon want to find the dance from the So You Think You Can Dance season 9 where I undoubtedly will see not only that dance, but a couple of other dances as I pull myself back to the days when I used to dance 12 hours a week at the dance studio. Then I will go full circle by nagging at myself about my decision not to be a full-time dancer.
Expectations and efforts
Not that it ever would be realised. I paused my dancing from the time when I was 18-23, and when I decided to dance again, with all the classes possible for me to attend, I expected to be able to continue as I did before. I soon learned that my classical skills were long gone, in my tapping my ankles were stiff and, – you see how the rest of the story goes.
I used to master all varieties of dance, and I think I left my mastery behind in being a dancer and have been picking pieces from it now and then, but now I claim it all. So I use my tools and ask the questions I use on my clients.
All the effort I had put into dance felt like it had faded away. That it was impossible to regain it, even at a standard level. 10 years of effort, had already sailed away, and I stood at the pier, wanting more.
What did I desire? I mean, come on, if I really wanted to be a dancer in my twenties I could have spent all the time and energy to become just that, a dancer, but my mind started to mess with me, and I allowed it. Then I started to wonder, what if it was not messing with me? Maybe it was my gut feeling screaming at me through my mind, you will never be a dancer, because it is not fun for you!
At 15 I said the conscious choice out loud: I choose not to be a dancer. In hind site and the amount of energy I spent on the decision 30 years later, it is easy to start wondering in claiming this decision, that there was collateral damage in being so relentless towards something I had invested significant amount of time in.
That in my black and white decision, not being willing to see how it would turn out, exploring some possibilities and then prove through my actions that I didn’t want to become a professional dancer, I made another choice.
maybe my desire to explore the roads of becoming a dancer would have lead me to opportunities
The hidden choice
It felt like I had to break up with my longest love, when the age where I can choose to become a professional, advanced, so I decided to do a clean break. Dance from 15 years of age and onwards was only for my own pleasure.
In my mind being a dancer was not a trade much people considered being a serious job. As a teenager I had just come into the years of my life where I cared what other people thought about what I did and chose. I wanted to be more serious and lay the groundwork of becoming a professional grown up.
To be the woman who was great at making decisions and by doing that I shut down my ability to test hunches out and find out through my experience and through my body and mind, that no, I did not desire to dedicate myself to being a dancer.
What I did not consider was that maybe my desire to explore the roads of becoming a dancer would have lead me to opportunities I have now missed out on, because I forced myself to make the choice.
Sometimes we make decisions without enough knowledge and that can lead to a feeling of disappointment in you, because you were the one who decided that your idea, your venture, was not worth exploring. This leaves a lingering feeling of incompletion, which will revisit you from time to time, until you acknowledge what you have done.
So what do you do? You forgive yourself and choose to do different the next time. You acknowledge that, yes maybe there were lost opportunities, but most likely you will not be a proud owner of a Tardis or other time travel devices, so let it go.
You acknowledged it now and you can trust yourself to listen in your current adventures and sailing opportunities. Just sail, and see where trust you takes you!